Welcome to my life

Life

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 07:43:23 GMT

So it's like 2:30 in the morning and I'm sitting here bored. Nothing to do. And I'm not even really too concerned about going to bed since I don't really sleep much anymore. I'll get there when I get there. Not really important right now. But anyhow. Things have been ok. It's been a tough couple of weeks. We lost in the second round of states to Cranbrook. It was really hard knowing that was the last time I would ever play for LHS. It was hard to know that the four years of my life that I dedicated to hockey were over. It was hard to know that those 18 girls would never sit in the lockerroom with me again and we'd never have another dance party or one of our fabulous talks. It was hard to know that I wouldn't see them everyday and we wouldn't be together. I'm not going to lie. I've cried alot about it. But I guess it's not just because it's over, but because I felt like that was a remaining tie I had to Aunt Maria, and now it's gone. I feel as if she's not going to be there with me now because even though she wasn't physically there, I could feel her with me for the rest of the season and I knew she was watching over me. But now...I'm just not so sure. I know I should just believe she'll always be here. But sometimes I wonder if she really will. So I've had a hard time letting go. But I know eventually it'll be ok. Tuesday is the banquet. It's going to be a hard night. I really don't know how it will go. I just know that tears will be involved. At least on my part.

Been searching for a prom dress for weeks now. I can't find one that I like and that fits perfect. It's upsetting but hopefully I'll come up with one soon. Although maybe I won't really need one. I still officially don't have a date...but hey what can you do? ;-) Prom is coming up fast. Only a little more than a month away. And let me tell you I'm soooo excited. It's going to be a great night.

School's been school. Stupid...But I'm keeping the grades up and trying to at least pretend I really care. Even though I could care less. I've gotta keep my grades up enough though to stay on NHS. If I loose that I'll be devestated. Not to mention my parents will be pissed. But that's a whole other story.

So tonight the parentals go out to celebrate a friends birthday. So around ten my sister opens up the door to the bathroom and water come flooding out and down the stairs. The pipe burst and so the house was then flooding. There was so much water. Together Haley, Erika, and myself got everything under control. I managed to get the water in the entire house turned off. But there was still water coming out of that pipe. But I got that turned off too after some trouble. We cleaned up the mess and were very responsible when it came to handling the situation. I was very proud of us all. Of course I called my parents and they didn't answer their cell phones. Then I left a voicemail and they didn't check it. So they come home and are all like hey what's up and shit...I was like no you're not off the hook. Did you check your voicemail? And they were like no why? And I was like CUZ THE DARN HOUSE ALMOST FLOODED!!! So now I ask, why is it that parents don't have to be responsible? If they had called me like that and I didn't answer or check my voicemail, I'd be locked up for a few weeks. However, they can do that and it's ok... I just don't get it. Oh well.

Anyhow, slowly I'm getting by trying to make it through each day. Things seem to basically be good. So now that it's quarter to three, I might just try and fall asleep. But I really don't think that's going to happen. It's going to be a long night. Peace out. Good Night.

God Bless,
Love,
Jordo

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 00:39:48 GMT

So I promised I'd update...so here goes nothing...

The past couple of months have been interesting to say the least. I've been basically playing hockey and going to school. It's been alot of work, but I gotta say, as much as the team frustrates me they keep me going at the same time. Without hockey I'd be so lost, but I'd also be less frustrated. But everything was going ok till a couple weeks ago when I completely lost it after our game against port huron. J-mac got hurt and that really made me upset, which just opened the flood gates for everything. I lost it on the bus on the way home, but no one really knew. Things just have been getting to me more lately. But I think I'm on the upswing of all this stuff. Somedays everything just hits me and I realize again that Aunt Maria is gone. It doesn't help that we have her kitchen table in our dining room, and I have some of her stuff in my room. It just reminds me. Things will get easier I know they will. It's just a matter of time.

So last night we finished the regular season and I got to start the game, so that was cool. I really enjoyed myself, until I got hit really hard twice in one shift. Now I've got a major headache, but my mom says it's just from getting hit, so yeah it's great. We won 10-0 and finished the season 13-4-1 in the league and 15-6-2 overall. Now the playoffs start on saturday. I'm pretty excited because I should actually get to play. It's so amazing to me that this is it. I've been playing for four years and I never thought this day would come. The end of my hockey career. It's been a great ride, and I really wouldn't trade it for the anything.

So prom is only about two months away and i'm really excited. Brian's going with me so it's gonna be fun. I just have to find a dress now and figure out what to do with my hair. I can't wait though it's gonna be sooo much fun. Prom is gonna be really nice. Now I just have to figure out what we're doing after. Maybe J & J's...don't know we'll see.

anyhow, I'm taking tuesday off from school and hockey so that I don't snap because I just want a day off so my mom and haley and I are probably going to the mall to look for dresses and it will be fun. I'm excited.

That's about all I can think to write about, other than the fact that I'm really jealous of winkamo because she's going to florida today, and i'm also excited cuz brian is coming home next weekend and he might get to come to my game and see me play.

more...

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 01:15:24 GMT

50 THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT ME

1. what is your middle name?
Anna

2. what size is your bed?
double

3. what are you listening to right now?
savage Garden, Two beds and a coffee machine

4. what are the last 2 digits in your phone number?
cell- 70 home-49

5. what was the last thing you ate?
Cream puffs

6. Last person you hugged?
mom

7. how is the weather right now?
cold, dark

8. who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Michele

9. the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
eyes, smile,

10. do u have a b/f G/F?
working on it…

11. do you want children?
yep

12. favorite store:
Target (only cool people hang out there on Friday nights)

13. Did you ever get so drunk you didn't remember the entire night?
nope

14. Hair color?
dark brown

15. eye color?
Hazel

16. height?
5’6”

17. favorite holiday?
Christmas (not cuz of the presents, just the spirit, the presents are just an added bonus)/ Thanksgiving…food and football, it doesn’t get much better

18. favorite season?
spring

19. ever cried for no reason?
yep…although normally there is a reason it just isn’t obvious what it is

20. last movie you watched?
Oooh geez, star wars I think…or maybe Cheaper by the Dozen 2

21. how many mirrors are in your room?
One…and it’s small

23. have you ever decapitated a barbie doll?
Ken, he was driving under a bridge in his limo and the bridge was too low and snap…his head rolled across the room

24. do you enjoy the sensational taste of starbucks?
I LOVE COFFEE

25. does the word "horcrux" mean anything to you?
nope

26. do you have any friends of the gay preference?
Not that I know of…

27. do you think jesus is great?
not today…not after 7 hours of retreat and kr…grrrr

28. is cheese like the best food ever, or what?
Ummm I like peanut butter and chocolate (together or separate) better

29. what books are you reading?
None right now haven’t found a good one

30. piercings?
ears

31. Top 5 favorite movies?
In no order:
Remember the titans
Rudy
A walk to remember
Armageddon
D2

32. favorite college football team?
Grand Valley baby!

33. what were you doing before filling this out?
Homework and talking on the phone

34. any pets?
not anymore

35. dogs or cats?
dogs

36. favorite flower?
Yellow/red roses or carnations

37. have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to be doing?
yep…I always get caught

38. have you ever loved someone?
yes

39. who would you like to see right now?
brian, steph, winkamo, lauren

40. are you still friends with your exs?
sort of

41. have you ever fired a gun?
yep

42. do you like to travel by plane?
Heck yes!

43. right or left-handed?
left

44. if you could be with someone right now who would it be?
Whoever could calm me down…

45. how many pillows do you sleep with?
A lot…5, 6, something like that

46. are you missing someone?
Yeah :-(

47. Do you have a tattoo?
Not yet

48. do you still watch cartoons on Saturday morning?
Not really

49. are you hiding something from someone?
yep

50. Do you play an instrument?
yes

Not the update you wanted...but I'm getting there

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 01:07:57 GMT

Have you ever:

() gone skinny dipping in the ocean
() smoked a cigarette
() smoked pot
() made out with a member of the same sex
() crashed a friend's car
(x) been in love
() been dumped
() shoplifted
() been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
() snuck out of parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
() been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
() had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
() slept with a co-worker
(x) seen someone dead
(x) been to Canada
() been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
() thrown up in a bar
() eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
() been moshing at a concert
() been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
() fallen asleep at work
() used a fake ID
(x) watched the sun set
() felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed –I had a screw driver stolen from me does that count?
() robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
() been suspended from school
(x) had detention
(x) been in a car accident —too many 
(x) have/had braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you looked
() witnessed a crime
() pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country –north to south is opposite right?
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep—too many times
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/marker ---yeah…only cool people color!
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins —left the entire tip in coins too!
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
() laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
() kissed in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
() been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
() crashed a party
(x) have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) gone rollerskating/blading
(x) had a wish come true
() humped a monkey
() worn pearls
() jumped off a bridge
() screamed "penis" in class
(/) ate cat food ---dog food…yes…cat food, maybe…
() told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have a little black dress
() had sex in a park
() had sex in the bathroom
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
() got your tounge stuck to a pole
(x) kissed a fish –my goldfish…I think his name was frog
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes --just t shirts
() been a cheerleader --eeewwwww
(x) sat on a roof top
() had sex in a church
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs—today in fact
() done a one-handed cartwheel
() talked on the phone for 6 hours or more
(x) stayed up all night
(x) didnt take a shower for a week --had too
(x) pick and ate a fruit right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
() had a tree house
() are scared to watch scary movies alone
(x) believe in ghosts
() have more then 30 pairs of shoes
() gone streaking
(x) played ding-dong-ditch
(x) played chicken fight-like on the shoulders, not in cars —both
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
() been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone –nose and toes…I’m cool like that
(x) been easily amused -that’s the story of my life!
(x) caught a fish then ate it
() made porn
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
() flashed/mooned someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test —everyone has
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) been kicked out of your house –temporarily, not long term

I promised

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 02:47:42 GMT

I promised I'd update...so... UPDATE!!! :-D no really I will update, just not today...maybe tomorrow

Thought this was funny...

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 00:47:51 GMT

Hockey's secret code has been broken!!

At last, hockey's secret code has been cracked. Everyone knows hockey
coaches speak in code. Finally, after years of exhaustive study, that
code has been broken. Usually, the coach speaks in code when he's
trying to sugar-coat his assessment of a player or his team. We now
know the difference between "what a coach says" and "what a coach
really means." Here's a list of the most common"code" phrases used by
coaches:

Code: He's a role player.
Translation: We think he can play a role, we just haven't figure out
what that role is yet.

Code: He's a "character" guy.
Translation: He makes us laugh, tells jokes and does impressions.

Code: He's good in the room.
Translation: We should leave him in the room because he's useless on
the ice.

Code: He brings intangibles.
Translation: We're not sure what he brings to the team.

Code: He's a competitor.
Translation: He competes every night, he just doesn't win very often.

Code: He's gritty.
Translation: He needs a bath.

Code: He's hard-nosed.
Translation: He's dumb enough to lead with his face.

Code: He gives us physical presence.
Translation: He takes up space.

Code: He's a technically sound goalie.
Translation: His reflexes are lousy.

Code: He's a reflex goalie.
Translation: He hasn't got a clue on how to play the angles.

Code: He's a power-play specialist.
Translation: I like having an extra man out there to cover his screw-ups.

Code: He's a stay-at-home defenceman.
Translation: He can't skate and carry the puck at the same time.

Code: He's an offensive defenceman.
Translation: He can't play defence.

Code: He adds toughness.
Translation: He's here for two shifts a night and start fights on both of them.

Code: He's an all-round player.
Translation: He doesn't do anything particularly well.

Code: He's feisty.
Translation: He chirps at the opposition and takes dumb penalties at crucial times. (haha Sean Avery)

Code: He's got experience.
Translation: He's lost with better teams.

Code: He has tremendous upside.
Translation: He can't get any worse.

Code: He's a "project".
Translation: This guy was abandoned in the jungle as a small boy and
taught to play hockey by the family of gorillas who adopted him. And
I'm supposed to coach this?

Code: He's a grinder.
Translation: It's 50-50 he'll miss an empty net from three feet.

Code: He's got good work ethic.
Translation: He works hard but accomplishes little.

Code: He's a playmaker.
Translation: He had better pass, because he shoots like my grandmother.

Code: We've got good chemistry.
Translation: We may be lousy, but we all get along.

Code: We're rebuilding.
Translation: We suck this year and we probably will the year after that
too.

Code: We're shaking up the lines to add offense.
Translation: I'm pulling names out of a hat and hoping it works.

Code: We're letting him see the game from above so he can learn.
Translation: He peed me off so much the last game, I want him as far
away from me as possible.

Code: We only had a few bright spots tonight.
Translation: I just watched my career as a coach go right down the
drain.

Code: Things are turning around for us now.
Translation: We don't suck as much as before, and I can keep my dinner
down watching these losers.

Code: He's our star.
Translation: He can actually play hockey.

Code: We played undisciplined hockey.
Translation: The ref sucked.

Code: We were not as good as we should be
Translation: How can these high school dropouts get paid millions for
that cr@p they spewed on the ice tonight?

Code: We need to work harder.
Translation: No all night benders the night before.

Code: I am in the best shape of my career.
Translation: I have a no trade clause in my contract.

Could I Feel Any Worse?

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 17:23:52 GMT

I thought I was gonna be ok handling this, but as the days go by I wonder if I really am. The feelings inside of me intensify more and more each day. I just can't believe she's gone. As for now I'm going to try and keep my head up...but actually doing it, that's a different story.

RIP AM

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 02:28:35 GMT

Well she's gone...she left us at about 2:15 this afternoon, Christmas Day. I can't believe it and somehow, I don't think it has sunk in. The funeral and junk will be either tuesday wednesday or wednesday thursday, but I don't know yet. I guess it's better now that she's not in pain. But yet somehow, I'm still gonna be selfish...I just don't understand, she was so good just a few days ago and then bam she's sooo bad all of a sudden. I just can't understand how she went that fast. Her final days were spent worrying about us. I know she was scared, but she would have never admitted it. It was so hard for her to breathe and so hard for her to talk, yet she kept saying "I love you. I love you" It hurt so bad. The pain inside of me has sort of been frozen. I'm numb. I pray that she's ok now. I pray it's all going to be ok. Yet I doubt it will be. It was hard enough 4 years ago and everything was getting back to normal...but now the pain has returned. Sometimes I absolutely hate everything. Rest in peace Aunt Maria. I will always love you and you will always be in my thoughts and prayers. I love you! Rest in peace.

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 00:30:22 GMT

So it only gets worse...Aunt Maria was readmitted to the hospital last night because she couldn't breathe. Well turns out the blood clot has moved to her lungs and there's nothing we can do. It's only a matter of time now. I just pray that the matter of time is long enough to get through the weekend. If she doesn't make it through the weekend I don't know what I'll do. I wish I could just make this all go away. I hate not being in control. It drives me insane not being in control. It's been a rough week. I have barely slept since school got out and even the last week of school. I just can't lose her now. Not right before christmas. Or even worse on christmas. I wanted so bad to bring her home for christmas and she was so looking foward to christmas eve and the food and all was well until yesterday. Now that is pretty much just a dream. I mean if she's in the hospital now I don't think they can let her out. Which means christmas is gonna suck. It was just two months ago that we found out that she had Breast Cancer. Right around thanksgiving we found out that it had spread to her lungs and about a week later her brain. We also found out she had a blood clot near her heart that couldn't be treated because of the cancer. She was admitted to the hospital that week after thanksgiving then about a week ago she was sent to a rehab center in West Bloomfield. And now she's back at Henry Ford Hospital downtown. And the blood clot has spread to her lungs and now it is only a matter of time. I believe her last rights were administered today. My mom spent all night down there last night and my dad stayed there till 3am and went back at about 6am. And both of my parents have just returned home in the last hour, but are headed back. It's been a rough two months and I don't know if I can handle much more. I don't know what I'll do if we lose her this weekend. We need a miracle. Hopefully that's what we'll get for christmas. All I really want for christmas is for my aunt to get better or at least make it to 2006. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I'm going to be selfish for once. During this holiday weekend, if you could just pause to say a prayer, it would be appreciated. Peace Out

God Bless,
Love,
Jordo

Nothing...

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 19:33:00 GMT

Nothing new..just thought I'd post this because it's cute and most of it is sooo true...

You're a catholic/private school girl when..

1.You mastered the art of cheating and cramming.

2. one word: Retreat

3. At one time, you liked your uniform

4. You got kicks outta being able to wear you PJs to school

5. You have a way of making yourself look so innocent when everyone knows that you really aren't.

6. It cost you 200 bucks to park in the school parking lot

7. Everyone kisses each other to greet people

8. You're blonde, once were, wish you were, or just act like it.

9. You violated as many dress codes as possible and when you get caught, you pretended that you 'didnt know'

10. You have countless obsessions with guys you have never even met or never talked to

11. At least one of your friends thought that she was pregnant by junior year

12. You have NO problem joking around about being a lesbian

13. You spent many a religion class listening to your teacher preach about the Church's take on premarital sex, abortion, and the death penalty

14. You SERIOUSLY don't know how to shut up

15. "Remember whens" are your specialty

16. At least one of your friends names are Sarah, Katie, Megan, Ashley or Lauren

17. guys ask you if you still have your uniform and if you would wear it for them

18. your skirts stopped fitting, but were too cheap/lazy to buy new ones, so you just pinned them.

19. you know your friends havent shaved it they wear pants for more than 3 or 4 days

20. when there is a new guy on campus, everyone knows their name, where they came from, what car they drive, and if their hot or not within 10 min

21. The Guys Just get passed around!...and u've hookd up with AT LEAST ONE of the guys ur friend has

22. EveryONE knows about everyone elses business!..even if u've never talked to them!!!

23. you went to at least one "_____ palooza" "_____ fest" or "beach bash"

24. your parents are more involved than you in school

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 00:15:58 GMT

So I've spent the past three days going from school to Aunt Maria's and just getting stuff that she needs, etc. It's been a rough week. Had finals all week, not fun...but I know I passed two of them :-D Aunt Maria has lost all perception of time, it's kind of scary. She seems ok sometimes and other times it's horrible. I had a nice visit with her the other day. Not too many bad moments. She asked me to set up the nativity scene at her house so it's more like christmas. But I don't think she realizes that she will not be coming home...at least not for awhile. It's so hard to see her like this. She is losing her hair, even though she's not going through chemo or anything. No one can tell us how much time we have. That's the worst part. Absolutely nothing. It's so hard to know she's there, alone, and I'm sure she's so scared. I know I am. I just wish there was something I could do. But there isn't. It sucks. This whole entire situation sucks. Christmas is going to be hard. It's going to be one of the hardest days ever. Hopefully I'll make it through. All I can do now is pray and I ask that you do too. I must go now, Peace out

God Bless,
Love,
Jordo

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 21:00:47 GMT

I wish I had better news to write, but I don't. It's finally clicked we need a miracle. Without it I don't think there's any good left in this. All I want to do is spend time with her. That's it. I don't want to lose her. This christmas could be it. If we make it to christmas. Last night she had to have some type of surgery to take something out. We found out that she has a blood clot near her heart and they can't do anything about it because of the cancer. This blood clot is causing heart attack like symptoms. It's so hard not being able to do anything. It just plain sucks. I am used to being in control and there is no control here. I hate this. I hate everything having to do with this.

On a lighter note, we won last night and got a trophy. :-D it was fun. Partied till 2 am. That was fun too...

God Bless,
love,
jordo

Just something cute

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 17:07:50 GMT

you will NEVER be too old for sleepovers. gossip isnt a sin its an art. we arent ashamed to cry. we must go to the bathroom w/ at least one other girl. we have this thing called feelings. dont hurt them. sometimes is just never quite enough. we NEED girls nights once in a while. we do hold grudges and we never forget things you say to us that hurt. it doesnt matter who dumped who or why. whenever we see an ex w/someone else it bothers us. not because were not over u but because we know we used to be that. makeup can hid so many things like puffy eyes from crying to huge scars from a broken heart. never ever ask a girl her weight; or imply anything about her weight being too much. never ask a girl if shes being so bitchy cause of PMS..other things bother us too. as much as we say we didnt like u that mych..we did. girls notice every little thing so be careful what u say and do. our eyes are located in our heads. not our chest or butt. when u arent looking in our eyes WE KNOW. we get feelings inour gut when things are wrong. sometimes we trust u because we want to. even when we know ur lying.. and it hurts!!!

anyhow, thought I would share that with you cuz I really liked it. I've been really busy lately between school, hockey, and my aunt. My mom is out looking for a rehab place to send her because they want her out of the hospital soon...don't exactly understand it, but whatever. So hopefully that's a plus. Got a tournament tonight and tomorrow night. Hopefully we win :-D Anyhow, gotta go
Peace out

God Bless,
Love,
Jordo

Dunzo

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 23:34:13 GMT

I'm dunzo (I can't believe I just used that word that came from Kristen on Laguna Beach ::shudders:: ugh!)...it's spreading. It's in her brain and I know that's not good. That's how Mr. M and Mr. H died. I'm scared more now than ever and I don't know if I can continue on thinking positive. It's bad. I know it...I should have known. She was so zoned out at thanksgiving. It's because it was in her brain. That's what it was. I don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I quit...I'm dunzo

God Bless,
love,
Jordo

...

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 02:10:43 GMT

so my parents are still gone. My aunt has been sent from the hospital she was at to the big hospital downtown. I'm not gonna say it looks good...They transfered her around 6:30 and my parents followed. They have called a couple of times, but no real news. Hopefully everything will work out. I just pray to god that everything is ok. That's all I can do right now and I ask all of you to do the same. If any real news comes, I'll update. Until then peace out.

God Bless,
Love,
Jordo

P.S. BTW g-ma is home and feeling good. Not really sure what the problem was, but she's feeling good...that's the good news.

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 18:34:46 GMT

and so the saga continues. Just received a phone call that my aunt is on her way to the hospital and so my parents left to go meet her there. Apparently she keeps falling all over so her friend took her to the hospital. So here I am, trying to hard to get my homework done and now I must play mom and take haley to her game and get dinner. So anyhow, I just had to get that out.

God Bless,
Love,
Jordo

The past two weeks

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 17:20:27 GMT

November 13, 2005
9:45pm
Four years ago today, I became a very different person. My life changed forever, because of the events on this day. I sit here on this anniversary lost deep in thought. My life changed forever, and even though I didn’t see it then, I think it made me stronger. Four years later I still deal with the hurt and pain everyday, but I’ve learned to cope better and not let it affect me as much. Each day I’ve dealt with this, I feel I’ve gotten stronger. Today I took time out to think and realized that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My world was rocked exactly four years ago this moment. My best friend died, and no one understood the pain I felt. I couldn’t become close to anyone for fear of losing them. But slowly I’ve overcome this fear, and am now closer than I have ever been to people. I value relationships more. As I sit here thinking I realize today I was the happiest I’ve been in the past four years. I think I’ve finally made it through the tough part. For the past four years I’ve struggled with depression. And slowly I think I’ve gotten it under control. My life is becoming mine again. “I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons.” I’m movin’ on” I think I’ve held on so long for fear of forgetting, but I’ve now realized that I’ll never forget someone who had such an impact on my life. As long as I remember the things he taught me, I’ll never forget him. I’ll always love you and I’ll always hold you near, but I have to move on. It’s time to take my life back in my hands and get on with my life. So from this day forward I am going to “stop looking back and start movin’ on.”

God Bless,
Love,
Jordo

So I wrote that last week and haven’t gotten a chance to post it. But anyhow, I’ve got more to post from the other night.

November 19, 2005
11:41pm
So things seem to be going down hill, the calls to extended family have been made. A CAT scan revealed the cancer is spreading to her lungs. Now I know this can be cured, but I also know this is bad. The Chemo starts soon, probably in the next week or so, and I’m scared. I’m scared of how I’ll react. I’m scared that I’ll say or do something that I’m going to regret. I’m scared because I can’t control this. This is one thing in my life that’s bigger than me, and stronger than me and I can’t do anything to stop it from overtaking someone I love. I’m worried of losing her. I don’t want to sound negative, but I can’t help but worry. I feel bad for the time I resented her, and said that I hated her. It pisses me off now that I treated her like crap. All she ever did was love me. She provided me with the very best, and was always there for me. She supported me as if I was her own daughter, and I treated her like crap. Maybe this is happening to change the way I look at things. Maybe this too will make me stronger. But I don’t see it now. I’ve kind of been in a daze for the last few days. It really all doesn’t make sense in a way. I’m afraid to see her because I don’t know how I’ll react. I don’t know if she looks sick and if she does I’m scared of my reaction. The next few months are going to be hard. Things are going to change around here, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for them to change. I guess all I can do is stand by her and help her fight. It’s hard to think the only thing I can do is stay strong for her. I think this bothers me so much because I can’t fix it. I’m used to being able to fix it and then move on, but this I can’t. This I have to deal with. I have to help her fight. I know she’s scared. It’s the worst feeling in the world. There’s nothing like being told you have a disease that they don’t know how to cure. There’s no guarantee that you will beat it. It has a mind of it’s own and there’s no way to know where it will strike next. All I can do is sit by and support her and pray that everything will be ok.

On to other things, School’s been dumb, like always. I can’t wait to get out. I’m definitely going to GVSU :-D That excites me. We had our first game tonight against North and beat them 3-2 in a tough game. Thank god we won, I don’t think I’ve been that nervous since the first game I ever played freshman year. That’s the only other time I’ve been nervous before a game. Today was crazy how nervous I was. CRAZY! But we won, the team fought hard and peanut played great. I’ve been sick for a week and it sucks. I can’t get back to feeling right and it’s making me mad. I get so tired so easily and I can’t seem to make up the sleep. :-/ But anyhow, I’m off to bed. Peace out.

God Bless,
Love,
Jordo

11-21-05
10:45pm

I also wrote that a few days ago. The past two days have been very rough. I have had a couple of breakdowns, not just not being able to do anything, but complete will the crying and everything. They have been almost more like panic attacks, but I’ll just call them breakdowns. I don’t really even know the complete and real reason that I have had these breakdowns. They were really bad though. I have debated quiting hockey during these times, and have been ready to drop out of school. I did however not study for my government test tomorrow and I have it first thing, so basically I don’t know what it’s on. But one test won’t kill me, hopefully. Today was a rough day; I’m not going to lie. My cousin called me and left me a voicemail about her mom. She said “I don’t know if you know what has been going on with my mom, but she’s not doing very good. I’m going over there tonight, and taking her to the hospital tomorrow. I’m kind of worried. The two of them don’t get along, so my cousin going to spend the night there is a big step and could mean disaster. I was finally calming down and enjoying the red wings game, and with 7:30 left to play in the first period, insanity broke out at the Red Wings bench on the defensive end. It appeared someone, player or fan, had gone down. The doctors quickly moved in. They rolled the person, who then appeared to be Jiri Fischer, and started performing CPR. It was one of the scariest things I’ve seen in my life. Really and truly. Jiri is an athletic twenty something year old. The picture perfect example of healthy, or so we all thought. After eventually loading him onto a stretcher and sending him to the hospital, it was announced that he had a seizure on the bench and was breathing on his own. It then came out that he was in stable condition and responsive and talking to the doctors. Hopefully Jiri is out of the woods now. He had to be shocked and in one sense of the word he was dead. His heart did stop beating and he did stop breathing. Luckily the team doctors moved in quickly and really probably saved his life. Fans were saying that it took 8-10 minutes for anyone to respond from the ambulance that was in the zamboni end, however, a lot of medical attention came from the locker-room area and behind in the stands. The game was called off and to be rescheduled at a later date. Thank goodness, they called the game off, there is no way that the players from either team could have come back and played a game. No way. Jiri had friends on the Nashville team, and of course the Red Wings were like family to him. Some people are saying that Shannahan was crying and to be honest, I don’t blame him. When your friend, your buddy, your brother, goes down and stops breathing and you are standing there watching doctors shock him and give him CPR there is no way that you can go back out and play a stupid game. Yes that’s right I called hockey a stupid game. Tonight made me realize that hockey is not everything. Of course I’m not giving up the sport, being that sometimes it is the only thing that is going right in my life, but it’s just a game. I try not to get to worked up about it, but sometimes it’s hard not to. Hopefully Jiri will be ok and hopefully, if he wants to, he can return to hockey. He is one of the young guys on the team and hopefully his career is not over. Tonight sitting in bed watching the game, I honestly haven’t been that scared in…a long time. Yeah I know you are saying I don’t know the guy, but whenever that happens to anyone it’s scary. Now we will be barraged with images of the doctors performing CPR on Jiri and many speculations from all media outlets. The only thing I can say is that I will be keeping Jiri in my thoughts and prayers and so should you. When you see a fellow hockey player go down it’s scary and you can’t help but hope the best for them. Jiri, hang in there buddy, we’re all praying for you.

God Bless,
Sincerely,
Jordo

November 24, 2005
Thanksgiving
10:55pm

Well today was one of the better thanksgivings with this side of the family. The family had their minor squabbles, but all in all it wasn’t horrible. The horrible part was watching my aunt. She’s so weak, she had to be helped putting on and taking off her shoes and jacket. It took like 2 or 3 people to put on her jacket. It was bad, I can tell the cancer is getting to her. She is very shaky and tired. She is weak. Apparently she has a hard time even getting dressed. The Chemo is starting soon. You can tell by the look on her face that she’s scared. The stairs were a challenge for her…all three of them. It’s so hard watching her. She goes about everything differently now. I can tell by the look in her eye that she is taking in everything as if it was her last. I almost think she’s given up before she really even started. It was a rough night to say the least. Then the family problems continued. My aunt on the other side called and told us that g-ma is in the hospital. They don’t know why, she just isn’t feeling good. I’m hoping it’s nothing major. But there’s no way to tell. The only thing I can do is just pray…anyhow, I’m tired and I’m going to go to bed. Hopefully everything will work out.

God Bless,
Sincerely,
Jordo

Finally, today :-D 11-26-05

Things are looking better as far as g-ma. They still aren't sure what's wrong, but my mom said that it looks to be minor and so they are going to release her soon. I just hope it is minor and that this isn't a repeat of 4 yrs. ago, when Papa was admitted to the hospital for "not feeling good" and 12 days later he died. :-/ Anyhow, I'm getting ready to set up the christmas tree and the rest of the decorations so that's exciting. Hung out with Mickey last night, had fun. We just rearranged her room. It looks sweet. :-D Anyhow, I'm out.

God Bless,
Love,
Jordo

stuff

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 05:52:43 GMT

I'm not gonna lie. I'm scared. Yeah I always say I don't like her very much, but deep down I couldn't ask for anything more in an aunt. And now, I could lose her. That's right, AM has cancer and yeah it could be fatal. The more I think about it the more I know that if the worst were to happen, I would be devestated. It would hurt. And yeah it would take me a long time to get over it. Mom said it will be a good six months of sickness, but hopefully in that time they will take care of it. It's advanced. Until then, it's gonna be a rough six months. And I don't know how I'm gonna handle it. I guess I'm gonna take it day by day, step by step. All I can do is pray. So we'll see...anyhow on a happier note, GVSU is basically a lock. That's where I'll be and it's gonna be great. Hockey officially started monday. SOOOO sore. Everything hurts. Well, gotta go to bed very tired. Laters

God Bless,
Love,
Jordo

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 23:47:35 GMT

Well,
I'm in! I got accepted to Grand Valley. and I more than likely will be attending there in the fall. Yes I have to actually go see the school, but it just feels right. So I'm very excited. No more applications. I am done! School is....well, it's school. I couldn't care less about it. It just doesn't matter to me. Hockey is...well right now it's gay. We have unstructured practices and it's just gay. But whatever. I'll just stick with it. Peace Out

Love,
God Bless,
Jordo

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 00:34:13 GMT

So I've been meaning to update alot...but I've never gotten around too it. I've had alot of homework lately. But I think I'm getting a handle on it, which is cool. Spirit week is this week. It should be alot of fun. We get to go in late tomorrow and we're playing flag football on Tuesday. Wednesday we have to dress up like our favorite movie character...I don't know who to be! Thursday is tastefest :-D YUMMY, and Friday is the game. I can't wait it's gonna be great. What else is new...Red Wings hockey started :-D I missed it so much! My hockey starts soon. Conditioning has been going on twice a week. So that's been kind of fun. Homecoming was soooo much fun. I took Brian (thanks again steph!) and we had a great time. We danced all night long. Mickey took Justin, she had fun too. So that was cool. Brian had alot of fun also, so I'm happy. Senior Homecoming was soooo much fun. I'm so glad I didn't miss it. I got to see Winkamo last night at the bonfire. That was great. I miss that girl so much. I wish we got to see each other more. We went to wendy's after and just goofed around. It was great. WINKAMO WE NEED TO HANG OUT MORE! I got accepted to Central last week. I'm excited, now I'm just waiting to hear from Grand Valley, my first choice school. Hopefully I'll get in, cuz Sara already put me down as a roommate. :-D My parents have been very annoying lately. In fact I can't stand them. I've fought with my dad what seems like everyday. Sometimes I just want to run away...to target :-D Well, that's about it. I really can't think of anything else. So peace out

GOd Bless,
Love,
Jordo

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 02:11:48 GMT

stolen from Jen!

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:.

1. I died:

2. I kissed you:

3. I lived next door to you:

4. I started smoking:

5. I stole something:

6. I was hospitalized:

7. I ran away from home:

8. I got into a fight and you weren't there?

::WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY::

9. Personality:

10. Eyes:

11. Hair:

12. Family:

::WOULD YOU::
13. Be my friend?

14. Keep a secret if I told you one?

15. Hold my hand?

16. Take a bullet for me?

17. Keep in touch?

18. Try and solve my problems?

19. Love me?

20. Date me?

::HAVE YOU EVER::

21. Lied to make me feel better?

22. Wanted to kiss me?

23. Wanted to kill me?

24. Broke my heart?

25. Kept something important from me?

26. Thought I was unbearably annoying?

::AND MORE::

27. Who are you?

28. Are we friends?

29. When and how did we meet?

30. Describe me in one word:

31. What was your first impression?

32. Do you still think that way about me now?

33. What reminds you of me?

34. If you could give me anything, what would it be?

35. How well do you know me?

36. When's the last time you saw me?

37. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?What?

38. Are you gonna repost this to see what I say about you

Mr. Binang

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 21:00:40 GMT

Today was one of the hardest days of my life. We said our final farewell to Mr. Binang. He passed away a few weeks ago from a massive heart attack, and after not hearing from him and his family not hearing from him, Sister went out looking. They found him in his apartment, 15 days after he died. Mr. Binang was a great man. The type of teacher who makes you look forward to class, even though it was religion class. He changed my life forever. You really get to know someone when you sit next to their desk everyday for a year. And that’s how Mr. Binang and I were. He was so funny. Not a day went by that he didn’t make me laugh and smile in some way. I can still hear him laughing and talking and singing in that high pitched voice. The service was really nice today. There were 6 priests, 5 of them Nigerian and friends of Mr. Binang. They did a wonderful job talking about him and they made us laugh, which was good. They also did a great job of in a way justifying his death. That kind of made me feel better. Ms. Cook did a really nice power point with pictures of Mr. Binang and it made us all cry. But it was really beautiful. I will always remember Mr. Binang. There are so many memories, from the many times he told me to not sit on the heater, to the times when he told us about his wife and kids (even though he never had either) their names were always changing. Yet somehow, he always made us wonder, is he kidding or are they real? The stories he told and the way he always somehow managed to get in something about drinking Bud Light, yet it didn’t sound like it was anything wrong…My three favorite memories of Mr. Binang will always be the time he told the freshmen that in Nigeria they live in trees, the time that he lost his keys and couldn’t find them and he kept going around the school accusing people of stealing his keys, and the time that he told me I could not smack my lips as good as he could because I wasn’t black, and “White people don’t have big enough lips”. His laugh will forever replay in my mind and I will always hear him singing. I can’t walk past room 60 without seeing him there at his desk or hearing him talking. Ladywood will not be the same place without him. He meant the world to us. I was one of the last people to see him in the United States, at Maureen’s Graduation Party. He was sooo happy to see me and we talked for a few minutes. Then he left. A few days later he left for Nigeria, when he returned, he got home and had a heart attack and died. I guess the good part is he wasn’t killed, he died, in a way that was not violent. That brings some comfort. He was an amazing man and touched all of our hearts, he will never be forgotten. We love you Mr. Binang, Rest in Peace.

God Bless,
Love,
Jordan

May the angels take you upon their wings as you
begin to form your own. May your wings help carry
you through, as you provide the wings and life for
others. You are THE inspiration that keeps us all
here, living and breathing, knowing you could not be
in any better place. May your inspiration help us to
live to be half the person you were, help us strive to
be in the place you are now.
We now have our angel to pray to.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

Katie

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 15:38:28 GMT

Well, the news I've been expecting, but dreading all week has finally come. Katie has died. She passed away this morning. Today is her mom's birthday. :-( Everyone please just say a prayer for her and her family. It only takes a minute and it would be greatly appreciated. Liz, hun, if you need anything, and I mean ANYTHING just give me a call. I mean it...Katie, you will be missed. You will forever be in our hearts and prayers. We love you.

God Bless
Love,
Jordo

God saw she was getting tired
and a cure was not to be.
So he put his arms around her and whispered,"come with me."
With tear-filled eyes we watched her suffer and fade away.
Although we loved her deeply
we couldn't make her stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard-working hands put to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us that, He only takes the best.

^^thanks to liz for that

darkness

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 14:47:35 GMT

So yesterday our power went out because the transformer thingy in the back yard blew. And this caused a lightbulb in our kitchen to explode. So our power comes back on last night and my tv in my bedroom doesn't work, the one in the tv room doesn't work, and neither does the one in the basement. Which is basically all our our tvs. So my parents are all pissed off about it. I honestly can't handle the power company. They never ever will replace this transformer. It blows at least once a year, sometimes more, and it happens for no reason. It's so retarded. Anyhow, things have been alright lately. It seems like I was never even out of school. I've had homework every night this week and had a test already. Fun stuff. Anyhow, the lhs curse has struck again, our Athletic Directors dad died wednesday night. This is gonna be a long year. Anyhow, I'm out to finish my spanish homework. Peace out.

God Bless,
Love,
Jordo

the best of days, and the worst of days

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 00:52:27 GMT

Saturday was one of the best days of my life. I went down to the Dream Cruise and hung out with Lauren and met Darren McCarty. I talked to him and goet pictures with him and hugged him and everything. He even signed a couple of things for me. It was really awesome. He was a really nice guy. Very sweet. Then I watched his band play. They were good. I had alot of fun. It really was an awesome day. Sunday I was still flying high from meeting my hero. Monday was just annoying. School and everything. It was a bad day. Then today, probably the worst day in awhile. So sister comes over the P.A. and tells all the teachers to come down to the library right away. It was obvious something was wrong. She talks to them for a few minutes and they come back. Then she comes over the P.A. and says that she wanted to switch the schedule up and stuff and calls us all down to the activity center and tells us that Mr. Binang died. Gasps, and crying filled the room. He was such a good man. He went to Nigeria to visit his family in July and left his car with the nuns. There was confusion on when he was supposta come back and when sister hadn't heard from him by yesterday or today she called his apartment complex, the police, etc. They went into his apartment and he was there, dead. Now the good news is that he died of something like a heart attack or in his sleep, not being attacked. Still it's very upsetting. He was one of the greatest teachers at LHS. He cared about each and every one of us. You couldn't have found a nicer guy. And now he's gone. He was only 51. 51!!! I can't believe it. I'm in shock. It really hit me when I was driving home today. I cried and cried and cried. Now I think I'm back in shock. But it will hit again. He's going to be greatly missed. On a different note, please pray for Katie Heintz. She is a friend of a friend and is very sick with leukemia (I believe). She was released from the hospital today because there is nothing they can do and she has a .01% of surviving. Please pray for her. She's only a teenager, and no one deserves this. WE LOVE YOU KATIE! good luck/GB you will always be in our hearts and in our thoughts, you will be missed

<3
jordo